Love in All the Wrong Places, a 'Kiara the Brave' Fanfiction
by KiaraTheBrave
Summary: This story, unrelated to the Walt Disney film 'Brave,' focuses on a man who makes a shocking discovery regarding his new partner.
1. Chapter 1, The Beginning

Everything was going perfectly; that is, until I made a horrifying discovery. It started as any other morning; I ate cereal, I went to work, and as I entered my cubicle, I noticed a slender young repair-women inspecting the hard drive of my work pc. At first I was a little surprised and confused, but before long I grew used to it and the two of us began chatting as she finished her inspection. I pulled my all time favorite song on YouTube: _The Chatanooga Choo-Choo_ by Glen Miller, and boy, her panties hit the floor like a bag of bricks. After her little wardrobe malfunction was sorted out, we went back to the coffee room to take our break, despite having done no work that day. The repair woman noticed the fridge was half-open, so she went over to close it, but as she closed the door, a can of Bud Lite rolled out of the opening, she bent down to pick it up, and just like that, I was on her.

"Is that yours?" I asked

"Yeah," she replied super depressed, "I've become a bit of an alcoholic now that I have a kid at home."

"Oh yeah? What's his name?"

"Super Kloud."

"Well, with a child in the house, you'd better stay away from the drink" I said as I forced the beer back into the fridge.

I then realized my mistake and gave her the beer. "Ya know, you probably have had a long day, why don't you enjoy this moment away from your kid" I said, eager for any chance to get her intoxicated.

"Well, I guess you're right." she stated, and grabbed the beer again.

Before I could tell her that drinking in moderation was the only way to prevent any kind of drinking and driving, she was already downing the alcohol. Before I could open my mouth, she was so drunk off of the single can of Bud Lite that she was passed out on the floor. Before I could come to my senses, I dragged her over to the broom closet where I figured she'd be safe from the boss' eyes until her shift was over. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't just leave her there like the victim of some savage mugging. I figure it would be less suspicious if I brought her back to my car to rest. As I put her in the car the two top buttons of her blouse popped off and exposed her cleavage. The now airborne buttons accidentally shifted the car into neutral, sending it careening down the hill towards the cement barriers at the bottom.

The impact threw her out of the vehicle's front window, but luckily the still nameless woman landed on a substantial pile of mattresses, which happened to be near a local spinning class, and the old crones there soon had her blouse patched up, good as new. I thanked them for their swift work, and handed them a hand-full of bottle caps. The leader of the old crones bit the bottle cap, and it bent, so she knew it was real. I dragged her near-lifeless body back to the car and I began to unbutton my trousers. I looked behind me to make sure the old crones were not watching this, but to my luck, they were busy repairing the blouse of another passer-by. I breathed a sigh of relief; I was glad they were not about to see what I was about to do next.

I suggestively slipped out of my trousers in the middle of the now barren street, and once they were firmly grasped in my hands I began tearing them into strips to wrap around the pretty lady's blood-soaked body. Nervous about being seen in just my undies, I hurriedly stopped the enormous amounts of bleeding with almost enough time to spare; just as the last bandage was wrapped around her gashed forehead, a squad car rolled around the corner with its lights on. I felt a bit embarrassed trying explain the situation to the kind police officers. After inspection of her unconscious body he began signalling his partner to call an ambulance. I quickly hopped into my car and put the car into reverse. I backed out of the parking lot and straight into the highway, which was apparently part of the parking lot. As I glanced in my rearview mirrors, I noticed the policemen hurrying into their squad car. I needed to escape. I needed to be alone with her. Just for a moment. It wouldn't take long. Just for a moment…

I glanced back on her to make sure she was okay, and noticed something peculiar. On her exposed leg. Were those…. scales? I thought nothing of it. It must've been my imagination.I put my eyes back onto the highway/parking lot, when all of a sudden something whipped me in the side of the face, I turned around, looking for an answer to this mystery, but found nothing. Looking back, I found myself hit in the face again and again, until I looked around and noticed a tail protruding out of her hind end. It was then that I came to a stunning realization; this woman I had met merely 15 minutes ago wasn't a woman at all, but rather the brown-ish gay lizard from the hit film _Kiara the Brave_ (unrelated to the Walt Disney Pictures film _Brave_)! I guess her tantalizing beauty and severe alcoholic nature must have hidden the fact that under that woman's clothing, there was actually a homosexual reptilian father responsible for the upbringing of the legendary Super Kloud! I felt so silly upon noticing this. So silly, in fact, that I pulled the revolver from the glove compartment of my car and pressed it against my forehead. "9/11 was an inside job!" I screamed as I pulled the trigger…

Just then the car sped off the highway and into a parked fuel tanker. The explosion resulting from the impact was seen through orbit. Just my luck, I thought to myself in purgatory. Another gay lizard ruined my life. Fin.

To be continued…?

No. Never. Burn this.

Don't listen to that guy, we're doing more of this. Keep this sacred in your hearts.


	2. Chapters 2-4, The Middle and The End

AN: Just to spite my co-author, I'm starting a second chapter

I floated in what seemed like purgatory for several seconds, before I realized it was just the airbags of my 1899 Horsey Horseless that deployed into my face as I left the lower stratosphere. Upon realizing my mistake, I looked at my rear-view mirror and found that, instead of a mortal flesh wound in the side of my head, there was actually living tissue on top of a metal endoskeleton; I had read about this before in the papers, but never before had I expected to be a Destructinator (unrelated to the Orion Pictures film _The Terminator_). Now not only was I attracted to a married gay lizard father, but I was also a robot from the future hell-bent on destroying humanity's only hope. I looked back at the mangled corpse that was the lizard in question and found only one option remained. As we plummeted towards the earth, I found the time to remove the lizard's teeth and fasten them into a fine necklace with matching earrings. We smashed into the crust of the earth with a sickening crunch, though it did not make a dent in my newly realized exoskeleton. The wreck has also left me completely nude, so I took it upon myself to skin the lizard to make a lizard-skin g-string to cover my naughty bits. ;)

Upon clambering out of the fiery wreck that was my Horsey Horseless, I found myself surrounded by the entire Police Department of Wyoming. Standing in the middle of them all, shielding a young boy's eyes, was none other than the husband of the gay lizard father whom I had just murdered and skinned. Tears openly flowed down his face as I made eye contact with him and he saw what had become of his beloved, and I managed to mouth the words "I'm sorry" before springing into action. I slipped on my pair of Moon-Shoes (The incredible anti-gravity shoes) and jumped over the police to face the lizard up close. Upon further inspection, it turned out whom I initially had mistaken for the gay lizard's companion was actually a dirty cosplayer who decided to rubber-neck like some stupid jerk. The policemen began opening fire without cause and a stray round bounced off my armor-plated buttock and struck the cosplayer between the eyes. Sinced I had put all of my skill points into vehicle repair, I quickly repaired the 1899 Horsey Horseless and sped past the cops at a somewhat baffling speed. As I exited the scene of the crime/murder/inadvertent homicide, the Witney Dion song _I Will Always Go On_ (unrelated to both the Whitney Houston song _I Will Always Love You_ and Celine Dion's _My Heart Will Go On_) blasted from the radio of the 5-0's vehicles.

Without further delay, I put on my Ray-Band Aviator Sunglasses and said some cool-ass line before slamming on the brakes, increasing the speed by up to 5 miles per hour as I sped across the parking lot. Looking back, I found that Johnny Law was still hot on my tail (or rather, gay lizard father's tail (get it guise)), and just like Lelma and Thouise (unrelated to the MGM feature film _Thelma and Louise_), I grabbed the hand of the now rotting corpse beside me, feeling the once vibrant hand of the ass bandit next to me hang limp as that one guitar song played from the end of _Thelma and Louise_. I pressed my big toe onto the accelerator and kissed the pallid lips of the corpse next to me as our car drove off the edge of the parking lot and into the ravine beside it while Harvey Keitel (a local actor/detective for the Police Department of Wyoming) ran after us.

The 1899 Horsey Horseless careened off the edge going a monstrous 22 miles per hour before all known matter in the universe went into a sort of frozen frame, if you will. That one guitar song died out as our car hung limply over the air, leaving our fate to the imagination of the viewing audience (dis is u guise).

Chapter 3: Epilogue

They all did deaded.

Chapter 4: The End.

We done


End file.
